I want to share something that transpired not too long ago - just a few weeks ago, really. I had been waiting for some time to pass so that I'd be able to step away from my rant, wipe the froth from my mouth and rationally explain the situation. You know, after I banter around bombastic vulgarities.
Consider this your warning if you're not one for such words!
I know - you're all thinking "What? TWO rants in one week? Has someone been peeking at my Christmas list?"
Ho Ho Ho, bitches. You've been very good children.
So here it goes.
So, my friend Terese* goes to this pub that has trivia on Tuesday nights. I started going along with her to help me get out of the house and socialize, etc. And what do you know, fucking trivia is fun and we've won some shit. Cool.
Well, I missed a week and when I returned on the 6th of March there was A New Guy. I had been warned about New Guy by another friend so he wasn't a total surprise but he was certainly out of place with our little group. It wasn't so much his age difference since our ages range from late 20s to It's Not Polite To Ask a Lady Her Age, but what brought awkward silences to our table and slammed the conversation short was just our different experience in life. New Guy was divorced with 4 kids and he was sitting at a table with 3 women who have never been married or had kids.
It was just a little off for us to relate to one another.
So, Terese gets up to go talk with the guy in charge of trivia and the other girl may not have even shown up yet, I'm unsure, but by this time New Guy knew I have a heart condition because I am physically obviously Not Well (I look a lot more normal now, thanks) and I am open and talking about it anyway offhanded to Terese, who is a friend from high school and knows my shit.
Anyway, Terese toddles off and leaves New Guy and I at the table. He leans in a bit and says something akin to,
"I am curious about something - and you don't have to answer if you don't want to - but with your heart," - he makes a gesture to his chest - "Can you have sex?"
I'm gonna just sit back and let that sink in for you.
Instantly, my brain thought, "OH WOW. I DID NOT REALIZE WE WERE LONG-LOST BEST FRIENDS WHO TOTALLY KNOW ONE ANOTHER - I MUST HAVE NOT SEEN YOUR FACEBOOK REQUEST!"
So, I had two nano-seconds to decide what to do:
1) Go balls to the wall ballistic on his ass, call him out on his ill manners and rip him a new one
2) Answer him honestly
I went with #2 and for these reasons:
1) Believe it or not, I am not all that witty outside of the written word unless I've had an appropriate amount of time to digest something and think on a comeback. I don't even attempt to verbally spar with my more quick-tongued male friends unless I've been harboring a snappy comeback in my brain for days. So going ballistic on this guy would really entail a lot sputtering and childish name-calling on my part because I didn't have ample time to think of a real nice answer that would not only embarrass him but school him a little.
2) Disability or even just chronically ill Professional Patients (however you want to spin it) needs a positive face and positive image for these healthy people who don't even know the word congenital (as this asshole didn't) They need a little schooling so they don't make stupid assumptions and think that just because a lady has something wrong with her ticker she can't get down and dirty. Sex and "disability" is something that needs to be addressed more and here was the perfect opportunity for me to knock down walls of ableism and stupidity.
3) The night had JUST GOTTEN STARTED. What the hell was I going to gain by ripping him a new one when I had at least 2 hours more to suffer with his presence? I really had no choice.
So I rolled my eyes and said, "Why does everyone ask that?" (because believe it or not - NOT THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE HAS ASKED ME) and I just said, "Yes. I don't know why anyone would assume otherwise. Yes."
Soon, Terese was back and the topic was dropped but the more I fucking thought about this situation...the more uncomfortable and angrier I became.
Like, WHO THE FUCK ARE TO ASK ME THAT? I AM A FUCKING STRANGER, YOU DICKHEAD. YOU MET ME LITERALLY FIVE MINUTES BEFORE YOU OPENED YOUR UGLY MOUTH AND INVADED MY COMFORT ZONE WITH YOUR ILL-MANNERED, CREEPY AS FUCK QUESTION.
ON WHAT FUCKING PLANET, IN WHAT FUCKING GALAXY IS THIS AN APPROPRIATE QUESTION TO ASK A BITCH? NONE! NONE, ASSMONKEY, NONE! THERE IS NO FUCKING PLANET IN ANY GODDAMN GALAXY THAT YOU OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH THAT FUCKING SHIT.
DID YOU REALLY NOT THINK I WOULD BE OFFENDED BY YOUR INABILITY TO MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS? JUST BECAUSE WE ARE IN A FUCKING PUB DOESN'T GIVE YOU LICENSE TO BE RUDE TO A WOMAN (OR ANYONE).
Seriously, what is the REAL motivation behind a question like that? If a significant other had been present, do you think this cock-knocker would have asked me that? NO. NOT AT ALL.
It really is as if he saw me and thought to himself, "HMMM. HOW CAN I BE THE CREEPIEST CREEPER IN ALL THE LAND? ZOUNDS! I THINK I HAVE IT!"
Or perhaps, "SURELY, THIS RAINBOW-HAIRED LASS IS OPEN TO QUESTIONS THAT GIRLS WITH TRADITIONAL HAIR COLORS THINK ARE TOO INAPPROPRIATE! I MEAN, HER HAIR! IT'S GOT PINK and PURPLE and BLUE! SURELY, SHE IS LOOSE AND INDISCRIMINATE! AFTER ALL, I AM DOING THIS GIMPY BITCH A FAVOR BY ACTING AS IF SHE IS A SEXUAL BEING! BAHAHA!"
Truly, I have no idea what his motivations were - if there was a hidden "I wanna get with you, girl" agenda or not - but I firmly believe he felt it was totally OKAY to ask me that.
So now can we address the sheer level of CREEPY of this guy and how he fucking waited until my friend, my anchor of familiarity and comfort, LEFT THE FUCKING TABLE before he asked me that question. I sure as shit don't believe for an INSTANT that he would have asked me that had she been there the whole time (not at ALL her fault by the way - she should have the absolute right to assume I'm not going to be alienated in the 3 minutes she took to speak with somebody)
So here is a lesson to be learned by all of us: There are asshats no matter where we go in life and they will think the sun beams out of their ass and they are doing no harm in asking a totally private question - BUT THAT DOES NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO BE ANSWERED.
If you are EVER asked this question or any question outside of your comfort zone, I want you to keep this post in mind and be better prepared than I was and fully armed with an array of answers to pick from.
1) "Actually, that is an incredibly private question and I am embarrassed you would even find it appropriate to ask me that." (insert disapproving scowl here)
2) "You're fucking kidding me, right? You just totally asked a perfect stranger that?" (insert loud and condescending laugh here)
3) "Why, are you offering? Because I am so beyond not interested." (insert suspicious glare here)
4) *dump your drink on his head* "Oh, I'm sorry - I thought we were having a contest of the most inappropriate things one can do when meeting someone for the first time. You win."
5) Make the Leonardo DiCaprio Inception stare:
Don't break it until he apologizes/looks away and changes the subject.
Any of those responses should work on your next creepy questioner.
As for this guy, after we used his worldly knowledge to establish our victory and a $30.00 gift card to the pub, I later told Terese how uncomfortable he made me and she essentially told him not to come around no more.
Leave me a COMMENT letting me know how you've dealt with stupidly inappropriate questions from total strangers.
Now go practice your Leo glare.
* = name protected to save her the embarrassment of being associated with me.