Monday, February 4, 2013

You Are Full of the Disappoint!

So I have big plans for this year. Big plans. Enormous plans. Plans that will theoretically take me out of the country for months at a time. However, I need to get my pacemaker battery switched out. As of December, its life expectancy is "3-18 months" which is a fucking joke of a range considering how much can happen in that amount of time. 

What people seem to fail to realize - from both the Professional Patient and the Totally Ignorant People - is that my life has to come to complete halt when shit like this pops up. But putting my life on hold for "3 to 18 months" just doesn't fly with me. I have plans. I want to make good on those plans. But I don't want to be caught in another country when my pacemaker decides to say "fuck it, I'm out." I want this to not be a concern of mine. I want to be able to get on a plane and just go.

Why didn't my electro-physiologist just advise me to get this done straightaway? I would have had this shit scheduled the first week of January and dollars to donuts I wouldn't be sitting here at 10:00pm on a Monday angrier than I've been in a long time. No. He just shrugs and tells me something like "I'd take the gamble." I listen because 

1) I respect the man's opinion
2) Let's be real; I am not happy about going through another goddamn surgery

I think #2 is just the reason why a casual attitude has been put on up until now, though. Everybody is terrified of what my body is going to do once it gets knifed up again. After discussing the matter with a friend, though, I realized what a damn moron I am being and I need to schedule this event right away and just get it the hell over with. But I needed to plan a trip for March or February. So that shaves another 10 days off of my ever ticking calendar and by the time the ball gets rolling the frothing harpy who guards the scheduling book is just unrelenting in every way imaginable. The earliest date to get this show on the road? February 25th.

The date I need to get on a plane? March 14th.

I'm livid. I'm livid at everyone involved, myself included of course.

I am just at a total loss of where to go and what to do. Do I cancel my first trip? Do I postpone the surgery until late March, giving me just barely over a month to recover before the big trip? Do I risk postponing it until I have a few months between traveling?
I don't know. I just don't know. 

See, the issue is recovery and how long it is going to take my body to do so. Everyone, myself above all else, is biting their nails about this relatively simple procedure because of the nature of my history and anatomy. My pacemaker is located in my left abdomen, in a pocket under muscle, and the procedure will require the surgeon to reopen the latter part of my open heart scar - which is not something I desire. I'd rather have a brand new lateral scar, to be honest, but I told him go with whatever is easiest. Given my history with fluid retention at the slightest provocation, everyone is anticipating that I am going to run into a similar issue that I found myself dealing with shortly after the last procedure in 11/2011. Now, I wasn't on the mega high dose of diuretics last time as I am now. So this may very well tip the scales in the favor of a speedier recovery. 

Who knows. (The Shadow knows!) It's a gamble. It did not help that I thought the consultation I went to on Friday was going to be super casual and the surgeon ended up triggering me (unintentionally, of course) into some heavy PTSD feels. I was really one step away from breathing into a paper bag. He didn't intend to, obviously, but he didn't want to give me any illusions as to what to expect, worst case scenario. He didn't want to sugarcoat it as a simple Duracell battery switch out - which is, to be honest, what I thought it was going to be.

I don't know. Right now I can't make any hard core decisions until I talk to TEAM RACHAEL! and hear what they say. I'm a grown-ass woman, I make my own mind up obviously, but their input is valued above all else.

I just really wish people had been upfront and honest with me from the very get-go of what this procedure entails. It would have saved me a lot of time and grief and I'd have made sure to set aside the necessary time to heal properly. I cannot continuously put my life on hold for bullshit caused by miscommunication and people in my life who flat out refuse to communicate honestly and effectively with me.