Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Image is Everything - Part One

I will explain my prolonged absence from this blog as best to my abilities permit me to do so. So, after this post I had my surgery and it surprisingly went very well and I recovered fully within 4 weeks. No complications, and best of all, with a new battery, I felt like the Energizer bunny. For reasons external to my health, I had hit a serious wall of crushing depression about 6 weeks before the surgery, so with this new found energy, I was really looking forward to getting my life back on track. 

It was November, I was back into a hobby I'd all but abandoned for close to a decade, and to stave off the depression, I decided to focus on personal projects and my friends. I'd determined that the impending 2014 was going to be HELLA HELLA HELLA: I was maid of honor for two friends, a bridesmaid for my sister, and attending another wedding. Seriously, when it comes to a wedding, this is me:

I was also PSYCHED for camp and getting a very early start at volunteering - and just as I started Ye Olde Job Hunt again, I noticed a funny little lump just under my left tit. I ignored it for a couple of weeks, but finally showed it to TEAM RACHAEL! after describing it on the phone. I don't know why I wasn't terribly worried from the get-go, as I am usually the first to assume the worst. Regardless, I was floored when the team told me it was a hernia.
 A hernia?! A hernia?! How the the fuck can that even be? Hernias are for old men who drink and eat like a gout-ridden English king. Alas, it is never that cut and dry. My hernia was most likely caused by years of trauma to my abdominal wall via surgery. The pacemaker battery replacement was merely the straw that broke the camels back. 

What is worse, I would have to deal with the ornery surgeon who performed said pacemaker surgery (the more prolific the surgeon = the shittier their bedside manner) and we would have to find a time that worked for both of us. There was no way I was going to risk missing out on any of the weddings - and as both hernias and my own personal recovery times are equally unpredictable, the surgery kept getting pushed back.

Then, more disappointments:

I had to ditch the job hunt. No point in going to the trouble of employment just to have my ass get fired for being out for an unknown period of time.

I had to then ditch camp - something I am still pissed off about to this day. I should not have listened to TR! on that one. Goddamn I am still angry about that.

Long story short, my surgery did not take place until 11 months after it was initially diagnosed. 

And let me tell was pure hell.


Tuesday, June 14, 2016

I have no excuses

I have no real excuse for the lack of updates over the last two years. During my bilateral hernia surgery recovery, the pain was so intense that I could not find the spirit to rally my thoughts beyond "I am in pain and I am depressed." 
I have a few half-written posts that never got published simply because I find it too difficult to show that level of vulnerability. So I kept away instead. 

Also, as time has wears on, I grow closer not only to my team, but to people in this Spoonie world overall. So I become self-aware of the impact my words may have on other people. I don't want to alienate anyone, or risk divulging private information, either. I do my best to avoid naming names or referencing any event outside of my own experience. It is an ever growing challenge.

Many changes have occurred in just the last six months alone that I have had to completely recalibrate how and what I want my online presence to be. My big blog, formerly Glass of Win, is going to move from its current state as a self-hosted website to a smaller, quieter entity on a simple Wordpress. I no longer have the energy or a strong enough interest to update it as I once did. I will miss a lot of opportunities, but the rewards were always short-lived and ultimately not as fulfilling as where my energy is being currently directed.

This blog, for all intents and purposes, has always been the more personal outlet and the one, two year vacation notwithstanding, I come crawling back to at the end of the day. I have a private-private journal for the truly vulnerable emotions, but I know a handful of readers really do enjoy my visceral ramblings. So I am going to try this out again. 

Buckle up.