Thursday, May 5, 2011

Top Ten Vital Facts My Doctor Should Know

I'm sitting here drinking this fruity mineral water concoction of my own making, wishing it had vodka or at least half a pound of sugar in it but nooooooooo, I'm trying to monitor my weight so I can fit into a size 10 hot pink Calvin Klein dress that I bought for 70% off at Ross so I can look hot when I go out on the town with my girls in Toronto next month. Oh, and heart condition...yadda yadda...weight management...blah blah blah...low-sugar.

The point is I'm sitting here thinking about one of the conversations that popped up during the ACHA conference. It was something along the lines of scary ass medical "professionals" who don't know jack shit about a congenital heart defect. I cannot even tell you the amount of times that I've said "tachycardia" to an emergency room MD and had them look at me like I'm talking like the adults do on Charlie Brown. OK, that is a lie, I can tell you how many times: three. I won't go to ER's that look at me like that anymore.

Then that train of thought got me to thinking about what is it that I want in a medical professional...what are the most vital facts I want a member of my team to store in their brains and whip out to impress me and let me know that they really care? I'll tell you.

In order of importance, here are my Top Ten Vital Facts My Doctors Should Know

10) The current season of America's Next Top Model, including who was just eliminated. Be prepared to discuss and possibly argue about your choice for a winner.

09) Tachycardia. The definition, how it effects me, how to spell it, how to recognize it in a line-up of other arrhythmia's and how to treat it.

08) My policy on medical students and residents and the "no touching" rule. They need to warn these fuckers before they get too close. I bite.

07) Harry Potter series. The books, not the movies. Be prepared to explain your favorite character(s), book, couple and why. Feel free to tear up as emotions overwhelm you.

06) My weight. I never want to step on another scale again, so just pick a number and let's stick with it. Don't be a commitment-phobe.

05) My medications, including doses.

04) Being up-to-date on any of the following TV shows: Dexter, True Blood, Game of Thrones.

03) You are afraid of me more than I am of you and damn near everything I go through will wind up on the internet. Also, Offbeat Follies is required reading for being on TEAM RACHAEL! except for when you're too busy saving lives.

02) My diagnosis. No, you may not look at my chart. That would be cheating, and if I couldn't get away with it in 9th grade Earth science (oh, wait, I did) then neither can you.

01) Even though I'm a tough, f-bomb dropping cookie on the outside, I'm really soft baked and vulnerable on the inside and I look to you for saving my life.

It should also go without saying that when you're on TEAM RACHAEL! your only patient is Rachael, er, me. At least when I'm around and within ear-shot. ;)

What are your Essential Facts that all members of your medical team should know?

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