Tests were reordered.
I got the call this morning that I've been harboring C Diff, an infection of the colon, all of this time.
EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE SUSPECTED IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT CAME UP NEGATIVE.
Are you fucking kidding me? I could have died from this shit. Like, if we had just gone on all merrily tra la la OH IT'LL PASS RIGHT THROUGH YOU like we've been for the last you know FIVE WEEKS my kidneys probably would have eventually failed and I would've died. Or something. Maybe. They gave me antibiotics in the hospital and I was no longer dehydrated - BUT I WAS AT ONE POINT.
So this is how part of my conversation went with the doctor:
Doctor: "Soooo....about the flagyl I'm perscribing. Uhm. I don't know what your plans are for tomorrow, but this antibiotic doesn't mix well with alcohol. If you consume a lot of alcohol tomorrow there is a good chance your face will turn red, you will break out into a heavy sweat and become nauseous."
Me: "Uhhh...wow. I don't...okay."
Doctor: "Yeah, I don't know what your plans were..."
Me: "Well, it definitely involved drinking but..."
Doctor: "If you have, say, a mixed drink it shouldn't be too bad because it's diluted but if you suddenly go red in the face, you know why."
Me: "Good to know so I won't run to urgent care."
Me: "Well, I wasn't planning on drinking a lot anyway, just one or two drinks..."
Doctor: "That...should be...okay."
As soon as we hung up I informed everyone that I would be starting the antibiotic on Sunday.