An email to the Past

I am preparing for my 13th session of Camp ~ 13 sessions in 10 years. Oy that's a lot. 

This year is Superheroes and I am unfortunately too piss poor to go all out with costumes and decorations. In my heart, though, I know I am the biggest geek counselor there. I just know someone is going to throw down with me and I'm gonna have to school them some Batman. 

Anyway. Today I found the email address of my childhood cardiologist. Well, one of them. The best one. The cardiologist whom which I hold all other cardiologists against. He set the standard, and he set that bar very high. So high I did not think anyone would ever be able to reach it. 

But someone did.

After switching cardiologists a few years ago, I have not felt as confident or trusting since Dr. S - the childhood cardiologist. Dr. J, my current cardiologist, has finally allowed me to sit back and breathe a sigh of relief nearly twenty years in the making. Dr. J meets that high standard of which I hold all cardiologists - the bar that so many failed to grasp throughout my adolescence and young adulthood. He grabbed the bar, did a triple backflip and landed with a half-twist and a high-five. All while snapping a selfie to post on Facebook.

Back to the email. 

I shared the thoughts I'd been carrying in my heart for two decades; how much love and respect I developed in my heart, all those years that Dr. S was tinkering with it. How I learned to ask questions and communicate efficiently with my medical team. I told him what he meant to me - his impact on my life, that it went beyond the simplification of "you saved my life" although that is true, but obvious.


I was overcome with my emotion as I typed that email, and tears blurred my vision. Though these were words I wanted to say to his face, I had missed my opportunity to do so last October and am unsure if our paths will have the chance to cross again. 

Due to complications of my hypothyroid, I have short term memory issues and cannot recall if I had, in actuality, emailed him before now. I may come off as a lunatic if I had, but the saving grace of deja vu is that at least he knows for sure. Plus, blogging about this milestone now will ensure I need not second guess myself later.

Memory lapse aside, I hope Dr. S receives my email (for the first time) and that it brings a smile and maybe a chuckle to his face. Contacting him after all of these years gives me a sense of closure and peace. 

TEAM RACHAEL! and I are going to be together for a very long time (sorry, guys, you're stuck with me) and Dr. J, not ten years my senior, is going to give that first battle cry against any complications that attempt to besiege my good health from here on out. 

Dr. S gave me more than life - he gave me the love and respect to handle my life. To settle for nothing but the best care, to ask questions, to be involved. To participate in life. My life.

Thanks, Doc.

Weekly Confessional: A Preview of Memories

I meant to post this on Sunday, to keep up with my Sunday Confessional theme. Alas, between work and preparations for my trip to the east coast, this post did not make it up in time. I'll try to get to confession this Sunday, though!

I was hoping to announce this post a great deal earlier than this, but that is not how life decided to play out. After a stint in New York City, I will be visiting Pennsylvania, and between gorging on Elio's toaster pizza and taking in all of the art I was too bratty to appreciate as a child, after nineteen years of being away from the city, I am revisiting the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. This isn't just going to be a whichever day I decide to walk in, followed by lunch at the local cafe, no no. I have a scheduled visit which includes a walkthrough of the fifth floor west wing, my wing. This is the wing where I spent more nights that I'd like to count; a good portion of my years in Pennsylvania. Five years may not seem like a lot of time in the grand scheme of a human lifespan, but these particular five years of my life were easily the most significant as they shaped me, giving me two open heart surgeries, a best friend, my first ambulance ride, influential teachers I will cherish and strive to impress so long as I live, an animal companion whose life meant more to me than many of the humans that have crossed my path, a cardiologist I admired and would hold all others up to in terms of quality and temperament, and a profound loathing of cold climates. I find it appropriate that this adventure be held in my thirtieth year and had hoped for a number of years this would come to fruition. It gives me all sorts of warm and fuzzy feelings when goals are realized.

I didn't walk away from Philadelphia with many unresolved issues of the psychological or emotional variety; I am a fairly upbeat, confident person when I look back at that time. This is largely in part due to the staff and very nature of CHOP doing all they could to make the lives of their young wards easier, brighter and as cheerful as humanly possible. While sterile white is a common motif among my hospital-related memories, so is the color yellow - bright and welcoming, yellow was the main accent color along with rainbow plaid curtains to draw around my bed when the need for privacy took me. 

"Get to the playroom."

"Get to the playroom."

This was my only mantra whenever I was ensconced to CHOP; a virtual wonderland of video games, board games, books, videos, puzzles, toys and other instruments of happiness to assist the morale and hurry along the recovery process. My favorite was the free-standing Ms. Pac-Man game that had no need of quarters, just patience and will.

This was the room to meet and befriend the ever rotating faces, names and stories that came through fifth floor west wing. Though I do not recall all of their names, I am proud to say I remember a handful of the girls and boys whom I either shared quarters and happy memories with: Raven, Lauren, Jeremy, Nathan, baby Alice, baby Jordan. Raven and Lauren would be about my age now; Raven with her many asymmetrical braids of all shapes and sizes, much gusto in her personality; Lauren with her long, fine brown hair and blue eyes. Jeremy was older than I, almost banished to the adult ward but still able to catch a few years in the children's side. He would be close to forty now, with quiet mannerism, long hair and a love for his acoustic guitar. Nathan was around my age as well, dirty blond or light brown hair. 

It is Baby Alice, though, whose wide, blue eyes sought me out as a source for comfort and familiarity amongst the confusion of her just-begun life. I don't recall how old she was exactly, my mother says between one and two. Her own family was rarely present, as I believe they lived out of state with both parents in the work force. If my mom pulled the curtain that separated our beds to a close Alice would scream and cry until it was pulled back and she could see me. I would feed her ice chips and read her stories by the hour. Reaching through the cold metal bars of her crib I would hold her little hand, still chubby with that layer of new baby pudge, and talk to her in tones that suggested a higher knowledge than my seven years possessed. 

Baby Jordan was around two when we met; a plastic tube from his nose led to a Crayola dark green oxygen tank that shadowed him like a faithful service animal. Already handsome with thick, dark curly hair and dimples despite his thinning frame, he was desperate to be on the go, toddling about the playroom with a fierce determination and joy no illness could snatch from him. HIs father, his poor father, exhausted and overwhelmed, let me, a nine year old, watch over his son as he escaped to the downstairs cafeteria for a much needed cup of generic coffee. Exhilarated with my new found responsibility, I took my duties of Jordan-sitting with an ardent earnestness that would follow me into my career as a child care provider. Hovering behind him like a farmer's daughter with a flock of chicks, I herded him around the playroom where ever his heart desired to venture.

Suddenly seized with the memory of one of my earliest babysitting gigs when I was fourteen, I made what I thought was a rhetorical inquiry to baby Jordan's fate. My mom's face had the answer. She had kept the secret of Jordan's death for five years. Enraged, I demanded to know whose death she had also kept but she couldn't recall who lived and who died. She had a system; whenever I was admitted to the hospital and boisterously inquired after one of my little friends, the nurse would silently shake her head at my mother, too subtle a gesture for the self-absorbed child mind to heed. Mom would then politely suggest that such-and-such friend was probably home, or at school. Not precisely a bastion for recollection, my mother had forgotten the rest of them. Jordan's case was different for her; she remembered the haunted appearance of his father…how completely ignorant he and his wife were to this club which they did not ask to be signed up for, only to find themselves in another club with the worst membership fee possible.

My first bout of survivor's guilt happened the night I discovered Jordan's death. The conclusion was swift and simple: I must live and remember as much as I can, whomever I can. I will live and I will carve my own definition of happiness into the universe, not to be deterred by finger-wagging eejits who would tell me I am an unformed person for not completing the required checklist of adulthood success; for not coloring within the lines, as it were. 

Though I would be over the moon should I be able to hunt down those I do remember, I know federal HIPPA laws prohibit medical officials from divulging any sensitive material and therefore I do not have my hopes set high. However, I do not expect this to be a sad visit. Contrariwise,this will be a harmonious reminder of all the miracles both science and the human heart can design when they are one. It will be nostalgic and sentimental, as I am both nostalgic and sentimental, and I will be sure to take notes on my observations and feelings. 

It is apropos that the woman I am staying with during my time in Philadelphia is not only a fellow adult with a congenital heart defect but a former patient of CHOP. Indeed, we were frequently in and out of the same ward when were both young, and odds are favorable that we once shared a hospital room. Irony. She is an abundant mistress.

For now I wait on the proverbial edge of my seat, eager to experience the thoughts, memories and emotions I undoubtedly will as I revisit the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Will I unearth catharsis? Self-inflicted wounds of yore? Ennui? As the immortal Chuck Barry once said: you never can tell.

Infamy at 300 beats per minute

For a brief, yet poignant time in my childhood, I lived in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania – just 40 minutes west of Philadelphia, where I was a patient at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP). The five years I spent in this little town brought me the most profound experiences that would shape the adult I am today, from the two wonderful elementary teachers whom I still attempt to keep in contact, to the two life saving open heart surgeries (performed by Dr. Norwood himself, if you don’t mind a little horn tooting), to forming the two most meaningful relationships of my life; that of my cat, Mr. Destiny (hello, crazy cat lady here) and my best friend, KD.

Those five years saw me in and out of the hospital more times than all the rest of my years outside of the 19406 ZIP code put together. My heart “problem” (as we so lovingly referred to it) was well known throughout the town, especially those unfortunate individuals who happened to either work or attend or have some affiliation with the elementary schools I attended because I was at school just as much, if not more, as I was at home. My health reached new levels of high tension drama, one that could quite easily rival any prime time medical show (I’m looking at you, Dr. House!), and one instance my heart having a throw down with me garnered enough attention to send me in local King of Prussia infamy that still follows me today.

During the winter of early 1990, between my second and third open heart surgeries, I was enjoying a peaceful morning in my first grade class. My teacher, Ms. Twiss, chose myself and another little girl to take the slips of attendance and lunch orders up to the office and cafeteria, respectively. This little girl and I…did not get on well. She did not like the way I looked, and I did not like the way she displayed behavior common to a sociopath. We made the walk up to our respective destinations in silence, I to the office first while she went on to the cafeteria. As we were instructed to go together, I knew we would have to go back together as well. I waited in the main foyer for her return from the kitchen when BAM! Everything went black.

The next thing I knew I was lying on the overstuffed, split-pea green vinyl bed in the nurses office while phones were blaring, people were rushing in and out, talking in rapid, tense tones and panic rose in the air. The nurse, dear Mrs. Noll (whom I would later see in my adult life and thank profusely, though there are no words to express the gratitude I feel for this woman) told me to lie still, my parents were on their way.

I caught on that something was amiss, though I laughed it off and insisted I was fine, cradling my head in my arms Ferris Bueller style to emphasize my point. That is when I saw it – my thick, mint green and pale pink woolly sweater leaping in rapid palpitations from my chest, over and over and over, as if it had suddenly been given the Powder of Life. It was tachycardia – and after the initial shock wore off, embarrassment set in. WHY HERE AT SCHOOL? OMG!

My parents were soon by my side, paramedics on their way but caught in traffic. TRAFFIC? Traffic! What could they do; they were a good twenty minutes away and I needed to get to CHOP now. It was decided that the spacious field beyond the baseball diamond would be made use of by the hospital-issued helicopter and I would be air-vaced to the Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia. I believe my reaction was, and I may be paraphrasing, “Rad!”

Embarrassment was gone, and what I oft refer to as my patent False Bravado (a self-preservation tool) officially kicked in. I could hear the principal speaking with my classmates in the cafeteria; she had wisely decided to hold an impromptu assembly so as to keep little busybodys away from the windows as the medics strapped me in my own luxury seat and wheeled me to my first class position on the waiting helicopter. On our way out, I caught sight of local news vans and told the medics my left side was my best side. They laughed and secured me in my sweet new ride, my dad buckling up near me, ready to join in on the adventure.

When I eventually returned to school, my best friend proudly showed me the newspaper where my aerial had a write-up and told me I even had a spot on the local news. Dude, I was famous.
Fame is fickle, though, and not a year went by afterward nor in the years after I would move from Pennsylvania and return irregularly for visits that a person stopped me, mid-conversation and cried, “Oh my GAWD! You’re Rachael Faught? You’re the Little Girl with the Heart Problem? You’re the one that got picked up in a helicopter? I totally thought you were dead!”
Moved to Fresno…dead…you know…same difference?
(Just kidding…go Bulldogs!)

I’m never insulted, however, because I always take great comfort in the fact that upon realizing who I am, though perhaps we had very little interaction as children, these well-meaning individuals always seem extraordinarily relieved to discover I am alive and (relatively) well.
Twenty years later, their peace of mind at unburdening them with thoughts of a fallen peer still never fails to bring a smile to my face, and determination of survival to my spirit.