Blog Carnival: Chronic Illness and the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Where have I been?
Bitch, where haven't I been?
Paris. That's where I haven't been.
In my room, sitting on my ass watching cat videos? Maybe. You'll just never know, will you?

Today's post is part of the September Chronic Babe Blog Carnival and it asks:
Let's hear how your faith—or lack of, or explorations—have affected your life with chronic illness. Have you found support in a spiritual community? Found a like-minded support group? Received criticism from people of faith? Converted from one belief system to another? Let's hear about it! And let's get that conversation rolling.

This is a touchy subject for many people, and while I have no issues giving my opinion, I want people to remain calm and realize it is just that: my opinion through my experiences.

I'm going to back-pedal now.

When I was young, my parents were pretty regular about raising my brother and I in the Episcopalian Church. Our church in Pennsylvania was especially easy going and friendly, which made Sundays less of an ordeal as it was for some kids.

However, I never felt a connection to Jesus and all of his homeboys. The stories Sunday school teachers told were merely that - stories. And not very entertaining ones, either, because they all featured men and had not a single kick-ass woman like She-ra. I only dug Noah's story because of the animals and the bitchin rainbow at the end.

It was the people - more specifically the priest - at my church in Gulph Mills that I liked and respected because anytime I was in the hospital he would visit me and call me "tiger" whenever he saw me. This guy was awesome-sauce. However, my interest in religion was just never there and I was determined to be indifferent.

Remaining indifferent to religion became more difficult as the more I learned about them, the more disenchanted I became. The hypocrisy, the crimes against humanity and the Earth itself - all of it left a sour taste in my mouth. Feelings of exclusivity, superiority, encouraging war with and shunning people whose ideas/beliefs do not match your own - no, thanks. I'll have none of that.

There is no way I can take any comfort from any of this, especially when I am ill.

Yet, despite my wholly disapproval of organized religion and mankind's idiotic marketing campaigns against one another, I am not an atheist. Atheism depresses the ever-living crap out of me and I'd never be able to not believe in something.

Believe it or not, I am a spiritual person. I do believe there is something bigger than me out there and I have accepted my own ignorance on the details as par for the course. It's OK to not know everything, to not have all of the answers the universe possesses.

I'm not sure if my congenital heart defect is part of A Big Plan for me - I am definitely open to the idea, but I am not going to place any money on it. Maybe it was designed thus, maybe it was just a shitty draw of cards. I don't dwell on it, though, because I have better things to do with my life - like watching Doctor Who and collecting Monster High dolls.

As for like-minded people to receive support from, well, I'm not posting any online advertisements anytime soon. I enjoy deep conversation on the metaphysical with people I know and respect, but when it comes time for the next surgery, the only support I want is from my loved ones.

I accept that people take great comfort in leaving it up to God when it comes to their health, or relying on a God Knows Best philosophy to see them through tough times. If that's what gets someone through their day, so be it. I just don't subscribe to it nor appreciate the sentiment aimed in my direction.

I have yet to receive criticism from people of faith (but I look forward to your letters after this post /sarcasm) but I also don't go asking for trouble. I am a firm believer in Agree to Disagree/to each their own and not go get up in somebody's personal space to force my views on them - be it on their doorstep, in public, or a comment on their blog.

Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

You know what the BEST part about surgery is? When you get knocked the fuck out and you can get a little peace and quiet! Unfortunately, I am still just over two months away from that blissful moment and am dealing with all of the primitive screwheads that are supposed to get me from point A to point B but wind up giving me worse directions than Mapquest in 1999.

I tried calling the main office for the GYN since they appeared to have their shit together and asked if they had the Doctor's October schedule.
I try to explain the situation - that I see the Doc at the Poor People Medical Building but nobody over there knows any scheduling and I need to get my calendar in order.

So she interrupts, "What insurance do you have?"

ISN'T IT SAD AND DEPRESSING WHEN THIS IS ALWAYS THE FIRST THING THEY ASK YOU HERE IN THE USA? NO MATTER WHAT THE CONTEXT - I COULD BE BLEEDING FROM MY NIPPLES AND THEY'D ASK ME, "WHAT INSURANCE DO YOU HAVE?"

With a frustrated sigh, "Medi-Medi."

It was like I hit the fire alarm button.

"UH UH YOU NEED TO CALL THE POOR PEOPLE BUILDING TO GET HIS SCHEDULE! I CAN'T TALK TO YOU, THE POOR MIGHT RUB OFF ON ME!"

I tried to explain again but she kept interrupting me so I hung up on her before I wound up calling her cunt.

So I am back to square one, at the mercy of the mystical schedule that apparently NOBODY CREATES. Except that somebody knew - somebody called me well over a month ago and told me the doctor would be there October 10, 11th and 13th (dates I am actually trying to avoid scheduling, which is why I want the rest of the month)

Where is this woman, this magical, scheduling fairy-godmother? I do believe in fairies, I do, I do! Now, if I close my eyes, click my heels three times, will I be able to make appointments and schedule the rest of my freaking life?

The Essential List for Surgery

I consider myself a Pro at going into the hospital. Many years of trial and error has turned into well valued lessons of what to bring and how to prepare myself for my hospital stay.
Here is a tentative list of what I would like to obtain and bring along with me to insure my comfort as well as my morale.

- Deodorant (sugary marshmallow or baby powder scented preferred)
- Lip balm
- Coloring books + colored pencils
- Word Search books (for when I want to exercise my brain)
- Book to read, or have read to me (preferably something I have already read so I don't have to think too hard as my brain will be foggy. I don't mind sharing that I regress a little when I'm recovering from surgery so I usually go for middle grade fiction)
- Trashy magazines for idle entertainment (my brain is already mush, why not go with it?)
- Toothbrush & toothpaste FROM HOME (I hate not being able to brush my teeth at night)
- Hairbrush
- Hairbands to put hair in braids so it won't tangle like a bitch
- Cute hospital gown*
- Cute scrubs**
- Cute pajamas
- Plenty of comfortable underwear
- Earplugs (to block out noisy neighbors and machinery)

* = Why are there only cute MATERNITY gowns on Etsy? I need the ANTI-MATERNITY hospital gown. Preferably in an adorable print, like one of these darling Doctor Who motifs

** = I used to own cute scrubs. They were hot pink with white hibiscus flowers. Not precisely my thing (flowers that is, but hot pink yes) but I lived in them for years. I was sad when they ate it. Anyone want to make me cute scrubs to go with my ANTI-MATERNITY hospital gown?

What's your list of essential Surgery/Hospital trip accessories?

And here I stand

I actually had this drafted up last week - complete with a reference to Extreme Couponing - but something stopped me from publishing it. I think it was fear. WE DON'T LIKE FEAR AROUND THESE PARTS. Anyway, I am comfortable now telling you this.

The Responsible GYN called me today to tell me that he had The Discussion with TEAM RACHAEL! and TR! gave the green light on a partial hysterectomy.

They feel I am in good enough health to go through this surgery and its recovery time. I would be under for 2 hours (a mere trifle) in the hospital for about 3 days (to observe) and recovery would be about 3 weeks (let's just say a month).

A partial hysterectomy would remove my uterus and cervix, though the latter is optional but the GYN recommends it. Ovaries will still be intact, and no hormonal imbalance will be had. Still won't stop me from being a weepy bitch due to my typical bad reaction to anesthetic.

Now that it is within reaching distance I am pausing to have a full-on freak out because it's like HERE. This is HAPPENING. I asked for shit to be taken care of and I found the right people to take care of it. The partial will obliterate all chances of me ever getting knocked up as well as take care of the heavy bleeding as there will never, ever be another period again.

HOLY SPACEBALLS WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A GIFT?! <--- that's ok. I'll be in a world of pain before I get to the good life.

It's that world of pain that leaves me a bit hesitant but I know the pain will eventually subside and I will never, ever have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant. I will never have to worry about weighing the decision of a termination and all of the psychological/emotional stress that it brings.

It's still a tough decision to make, as a woman and a young woman at that. I'm confident about never having kids. That's not a question. It's just having to remove parts of my body that act a little wonky every month but are otherwise tiptop that make me kind of mehhhh.

No one ever said being responsible was easy, though.

They can roll a D20 every time

You know what happens when TEAM RACHAEL! steps in and fights a battle for me?

SHIT. GETS. DONE!

Yesterday I woke up with a killer headache and my boy wanted me to cancel my appointment and stay home (I was dealing with palpitations Monday night as well) but I was like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS SHIT NEEDS TO BE OVER!

So I go back to UCLA (poor people back alley entrance building) and I'm all prepared to have to talk to a Baby Doctor and wait a bajillion and one years before I see the Attending but - gasp gasp - miracle of miracles, friends!
Not only did I wait 12 minutes before someone came it, it was THE ATTENDING HIMSELF!

He was all SRS BSNS and I was all, "OMG, I was not prepared for this! For intelligent questions to be asked! For decisions to be made! For shit getting done!"

So I have some choices to make and of course TEAM RACHAEL! is being consulted at the moment, too. Once everything is finalized I'll let you know what step I'll be taking next.